im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
