I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
