So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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