You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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