It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize