does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
