one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
