i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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