please come you make the beer taste better
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize