I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
