these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
