I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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