I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
