Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
