don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
