if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize