True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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