I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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