Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
