I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
