hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
