you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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