ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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