People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
