Pants 0. Shit 1.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
