who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
