I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
