When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I want her autograph on my taint
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
