I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
