i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
