How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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