Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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