So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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