hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
