Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
FUCK WHALES
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