I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Randomize
