She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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