and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize