i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
