I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
