1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
