man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
