boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
