I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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