I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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