Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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