Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
