Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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