if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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