Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
