I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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