K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
