hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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