How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize