I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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