I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
