she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
