Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
