my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize