I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
