I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
