Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
