meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Randomize
